Feeling low

 

Several of my best friends are dealing with serious physical conditions. I try to be a caring friend, talking with them in various media (text, phone, email as they prefer.)

But the other evening when I was getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror (which for some reason I avoid) and was surprised how drawn but ruddy my face looked. I hadn't been doing anything but reading and watching videos most of the day. I noticed I had some shortness of breath. Which also means coughing a lot.

It gave me pause. Without any pain, would this be my last night? I did finally go to sleep. And when dawn came, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Hey girl, you woke up!

Nope it didn't work. So I'm still kind of dragging around. It kind of hit me like a freight train this time. Or maybe my lungs really are ready to stop...but I think it's just the emotional reaction to knowing one of these nights I very well may not be waking up in the morning. That thought and feeling just depressed me no end.

Well rather than continue to whine, I'll just say the sun is shining, it will be getting warm today, and I have a commitment that I will honor, so I'm getting out there! I only write this down because I want to remember that I've been here (emotionally) today, and before...this is seasonal also. I'm not trying to get my blog buddies to send me good wishes...I think each of us has our own "cross to bear" as my mother would have said. Challenge is the term I use. 

This is a journal in one sense...my sharing with you mostly the externals of my life, but sometimes my internal doings just bubble up. Thanks for reading.

PS, I didn't go to the studio yesterday afternoon, but did laundry. I felt so much better having given myself a closet full of clean clothes, and a bed with clean sheets. I can be creative again soon. For now I'm just creating my own life to be as good as I can.

Today's quote:

Breath.  If a person wishes to study the self, to know the self, what is important isnot the study of the mind, of the thought, the imagination, nor ofthe body, but the study of the breath.  The Breath has made themind and the body for its expression.  It has made all from thevibration to the physical atom, from the finest to the grossest.

Hazrat Inayat Khan

From:  The Philosophy of Breath
and The Healing Papers